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Meeting Process How to make friends and spark revolution by
Dan Spalding
Introduction
We all like to talk and we all like to be listened to. As social animals, communication is vital to our survival. But as our society becomes more fragmented, stressful and alienating, we lose our ability to communicate.
This goes both ways. If we want to create a better world we have to learn to understand each other and create personal networks. This is just as important as building organizations and other structures to overthrow our government and build a new world in its place.
This ‘zine will also cover schmoozing - the act of comfortably meeting and talking to people you don't know. This can be about starting a conversation with someone in a room full of strangers, or making someone new to your scene comfortable, welcomed and informed.
Every time I lose hope in making change, I think about all the incredible work folks are doing in my own community, let alone the rest of the country. There's only so much you can learn from a web page. Before we can make new friends, learn and work together, we've got to meet each other. And by the time you finish this 'zine you'll be able to meet and talk to people in any situation.
If you have any questions, comments, or constructive criticism, drop a line. I'm at dan@midnightspecial.net or www.danspalding.com .
Talking and Listening
A conversation is a living thing between two or more people. It thrives when everyone participates, and becomes a Monsanto monoculture crop when one party does all the talking. Ideally, everyone contributes part of themselves to the conversation. You leave the conversation with a better understanding of where other people are coming from, how they perceive the things you took for granted, maybe even the verbal flourishes and turns of phrase that reveal as much about them as anything they could articulate.
A good conversation can make you see the beauty in people you’d never seen before, change the way you see the world, and make you feel like a genius all at the same time. But you will never have a conversation that good if you don’t participate and encourage the other party(ies) to engage as well.
The key to a good conversation is maintaining balance. In the same conversation one person might tell stories, asks questions to prompt someone who’s been talking less, listens for a long time, play devil’s advocate, etc. People who have known each other a long time tend to do this naturally. But to have good conversations with people who aren’t your best friend, I think the first step is to identify the kind of talker you tend to be and use some tools to balance yourself out.
To the folks who tend to dominate conversations, especially men, I wrote an essay a couple years ago entitled, “Shut the Fuck Up: An open letter to other men in the movement.” It’s pretty self-explanatory. Men tend to talk long, loud, first and often. Your first priority has got to be to talk less. When I started talking less, I ended up saying more with fewer words, and the people I usually drowned out almost always added whatever else I was going to say and more that I never would have thought of.
For people who don’t talk as much, especially women, you’ve got to step up to bat. If no one specifically asks your opinion on something, or a point you brought up isn’t addressed, don’t assume it’s because people don’t want to hear you. Assume you have something interesting to say and that people will be interested in it.
If you’re a woman talking to a man, assume he’s so caught up in his own ideas that what you said hasn’t completely registered. But if you bring up your thoughts (again, if need be), he’ll not only be enlightened – he’ll be grateful that you persisted in articulating yourself. Unless he doesn’t even realize he cut you off or ignored you in the first place, which is equally likely. I promise that 99% of the time it ain’t malice that makes men ignore what women say, but a society that encourages and rewards men’s dominance. Hell, men do the same thing to other men all the time. But other men are more likely to repeat and assert themselves in conversation. And the men they’re talking to won’t think twice about it.
A few tools to help you balance yourself and the conversation:
You might be dominating the conversation if:
What you can do to encourage someone else to speak:
There are definitely times when we don’t necessarily want to participate much in a conversation. Even if you’re interested in making sure everyone you talk to is engaged in the conversation, there are times to back off and let people be a little more distant. Trying harder can make things even worse – which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try a few times before you back off. Here are some tips on identifying those times.
When to back off:
Four Paragraphs on Race and Conversation
I briefly mentioned my take on gender and talking, which is: Men tend to dominate conversation, women tend not to talk enough. This isn’t to blame women for being discouraged from asserting themselves in conversations with men, or to imply that all men talk long, loud, first, and often. But that dynamic happens a lot, and everyone loses.
Race is another huge factor in who talks how much. For political work, a lot is determined by how an event (protest, action, party, etc.) is organized. For a lot of reasons, white activists tend to do work mostly with other white people. So when there are people of color at an event organized by white folks, they’re often in the small minority. (no pun intended)
So for the white folks in the house…
A few tips on not putting off the people of color you talk to, in a political setting or otherwise:
There’s a lot more to be said about not being racist in your political work and personal interactions. But it won’t be said here. I'm pretty sure you're able to do your own study on this.
Starting Conversations
Situation: You've just listened to a debate on equality in dental care. As the speakers get off the stage, most of the audience is standing around and talking. Two strangers next to you are having a conversation, and the parts you catch sound interesting.
Technique: Walk up to them until you're a few feet away and say (loud enough to be heard), "Excuse me, do you mind if I join your conversation?" They'll probably say "Sure," and explain where they were in their conversation so you can be a part of it.
Why it works: It might be a little artificial, but it's a shows respect for the people talking and their conversation while making it clear you want to be a part of it - instead of, say, just jumping in, or standing silently next to them for a long time.
Worst case scenario: "Actually, it's kind of a personal conversation." Or, "Actually, we're just about to leave."
Extra credit: Make eye contact once you have their attention. It they look confused, add a sentence on how you overheard part of their conversation (it's ok, it's in a public place) and it sounded interesting/relates to your work/etc.
Situation: You’re alone at a party thrown by an organizer friend of yours. You don’t know a soul there. You want to start a conversation with someone.
Technique: Walk up to the person closest to you and say, “Hi, I’m (your name). I know (the host) from (wherever). What’s your connection to the party?”
Why it works: People expect to meet people at parties. The fact that both of you are there guarantees you’ll have something in common. And who knows? Maybe they were as isolated as you were.
Worst case scenario: They’re kind of boring.
Extra credit: At the end of your conversation, have them introduce you to someone they know. Repeat until you know everyone at the party and are voted “Networking MVP.”
Situation: You’re at an open meeting of a group you’re a part of and see someone new. They don’t look like they know anyone there, and aren’t talking to anyone.
Technique: Make eye contact and say, “Hi, I haven’t seen you here before. My name’s (yr name) and I’m a part of (group). What’s your name?”
Why it works: People come to open meetings to learn what they’re doing and maybe plug in. Meeting (potential) new members is just as important as getting a presentation on their ten point plan. The new person will probably forget the specifics of the meeting the next day, but years later they’ll remember if the people there were friendly or ignored them.
Worst case scenario: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say…”
Extra credit: Ask what their interests are and introduce them to someone else with similar interests. Talk to them again before they leave; see if they have any questions and make sure they know the dates of future meetings and events you’re hosting.
Situation: You're at protest and see someone who looks familiar, but you can't place from where...
Technique: Walk in their field of vision so they can get a look at you. If they don't say something, make eye contact, wave, walk up to them and say, "Hi. You look kind of familiar. Have we met before?" They'll say yes, or no, and you can have a conversation about how you know each other, the protest, etc. (This also works if the familiar-looking person is in a group of people you don't know at all)
Why it works: People have amazing memories for faces. If you've met before, or even seen each other around at the same events, they'll probably remember, and you'll have something to talk about. People expect to run into people at events like protests. And if it turns out you mistook them for someone else, they've probably had the same experience and won't think twice about it. There is a protest (or presentation, or whatever) going on, after all.
Worst case scenario: "Um, no, I don't think we've met before..." They feel weird about the encounter. Most likely if you are a man and the person you're talking to is a woman.
Factlet: The risk is that this could come off as a pick-up line. But even then it's a brief, straightforward way to start a conversation, and easy for the other person to decline. If they say "No," or look like they're not into starting a conversation, cheerfully say, "I'm sorry, I guess I mixed you up with someone else. See you around!" and leave. Again, this is a common enough encounter at protests and like events.
Talking to People
Situation: You’re at a conference and talking to someone transgendered (aka they don’t identify as the gender they were assigned at birth). They mention they were disappointed with the gender politics of the conference.
Wrong: Feeling uncomfortable and immediately changing the topic to something you talked about earlier – to “make them feel more comfortable.”
Better: Feeling uncomfortable and asking them to explain what it was that disappointed them.
Why it works: 99% of time, when people do something to make someone else “more comfortable,” they’re doing it to make themselves more comfortable. It takes a lot of courage for someone to point out a shortcoming that everyone else seems to have missed or ignored. They’re probably bringing it up because they want to talk about it. Talking about these things is the only way we can improve, and is a vital part of our political development.
Extra Credit: If you’re really unsure, ask, “Is that something you want to talk about?” This also works with things that seem to make people really angry.
True Story: I’ve never had anyone tell me that they didn’t want to talk about something they brought up, no matter how personal (like the death of a parent, etc).
Schmoozing Setbacks
Every so often, things will go wrong. Terribly wrong. You realize ten minutes into a conversation that you've been talking the whole time. Five consecutive people at a party don't want to talk to you. You loudly mention someone’s outstanding arrest warrant and undocumented immigrant status on a crowded subway train. (More on that below.)
Take this as an opportunity to reflect and possibly change course. We all screw up. Whether it's a mistake you made or everyone around you acting like jerks, there will be days your socializing doesn't working out. The important thing is to think about what you need to change, if anything, and to keep going.
There are days I feel like I'm a social klutz. And, frankly, schmoozing with people is basically my mutant superpower. If you do something wrong, on some level it means you're doing something right. You're trying. Make sure you keep trying. Schmoozing and Security Culture
Even when you’re having a great time meeting new people, there are topics you shouldn’t bring up – at least, not until you know the other person much better. Security culture is a set of habits and ways of communicating that reduce the chance of the police gathering information on or prosecuting you (or your friends). Ideally, everyone you do political work with, if not everyone in your community, practices good security culture.
In these times of increased persecution of activists, it’s more important than ever to practice good security culture. On the basest level, it minimizes the information the cops have on the work we do, what we have planned, and who’s involved. It makes it harder for them to get search warrants and arrest warrants on us. If we’re arrested, it reduces the chances of getting trumped up charges. And once we’re on trial, it reduces the evidence the state has against us. This doesn’t just apply to what you say and type, but what anyone you’re doing any work with says or writes.
You have to be conscious of this while you’re schmoozing. In practice, it means being careful around a few topics and avoiding others completely.
With new people, never talk about:
With new people, be very careful talking about:
There are plenty of other things you should probably avoid talking about: How you’re not a real activist if you’re not vegan, why they should buy your newspaper, and so forth. And to keep good security culture, there are other things to avoid as well, like using code words over the phone or in e-mails (the cops can claim the code words were for drugs or guns, even if they weren’t).
On one level, people can always refuse to answer anything they’re not comfortable talking about. But in the midst of good conversation, people may let slip – or feel obligated to reveal – things they wouldn’t normally mention. And, bless their hearts, there are people out there who do a lot of activism and still don’t practice good security culture. These people put themselves and their communities at risk.
Security culture also involves how you keep records, plan actions, etc. But even if you just stick to what’s on this page, you’ll be doing better than most people. And if someone you just met tries to bring up these topics, it’s your obligation to tell them: “It’s not anything against you, but it isn’t good security culture to talk about (whatever) with someone you just met.” You’re not just helping them, but their whole community, in this and all their future projects. |